Bye Bye, Strider!
by ByakurenBreak
Summary: Famous singer Dave Strider is going into the military, and Karkat doesn't know what else to do to pay off his debt. But thanks to Terezi,they both come up with a plan to give a lucky girl his One Last Kiss before leaving. Parody based off of the musical Bye Bye Birdie! Original script, lyrics and music by Michael Stewart, Lee Adams, and Charles Strouse. I DO NOT OWN BYE BYE BIRDIE!
1. Threshecutioner

_**THE FOLLOWING IS A NON-PROFIT FAN BASED PARODY. HOMESTUCK BELONGS TO ANDREW HUSSIE AND BYE BYE BIRDIE BELONGS TO **__**MICHEAL STEWART**__, __**LEE ADAMS AND CHARLES STROUSE. PLEASE SUPPORT THE OFFICIAL RELEASE.**_

* * *

><p><strong>Bye Bye, Strider!<strong>

* * *

><p>"I know that sir, but you know this could end up being a damn disaster of the morale of teenagers, humans and trolls alike, on this earth!" Karkat barked into the phone. "No! I'm not saying that he doesn't want to go in the army, but-" It was worthless. He kept being interrupted by the man on the line. He sighed. "Fine, we'll be there." As he hung up the phone, his face lightened to see Terezi Pyrope, his blind secretary walking towards him.<p>

"Tez! Oh thank fucking god you're here! There's been an emergency; Dave Strider's going into the army!"

Terezi grimaced. "Sorry Karkles, but your loyal secretary is going to get out of here. My resignation." She sighed and handed over a slip of paper. Karkat was shocked. "C'mon, Pyrope! You're kidding me!"

"I just came in here to say good bye, Karkat my darling," She kissed him on the cheek quickly. "And best of luck!"

"Terezi, you can't leave me now! Not today of all days! Oh dammit, where are my meds…" Karkat growled as he dug through his drawers. Terezi rolled her eyes and handed over a white pill. "Here."

"Not so much? Maybe cut it in half?" Karkat requested.

"Karkat Vantas, you are 15 sweeps old! You can take A WHOLE ASPRIN!" She yelled.

"Terezi, you know god damn well I'm not 15 sweeps, I won't be 15 sweeps until- crap. Tomorrow. Uh, water please?"

The blind secretary reluctantly handed him the glass. "Blar, it's no use! I've been working at KarKriLess for so many years and you know fully well that I've been MORE than a secretary to you."

Karkat blushed brightly. "Shut up, you promised to not speak of that again!"

"Between our little moments and the office, our relationship's been rather weak."

Karkat raised an eyebrow. "You want a raise, more affection, or both? You know I love you, but my affection for you can only go so far."

"Gross, dude!"

"Whatever. We have… mental differences."

Terezi looked like she was about to explode. "Blindness is NOT a freaking MENTAL DISEASE, nooksucker!"

"If you're after part of the company, that won't work either. KarKriLess is just me, Kankri and Signless." He explained. "Any change would break his heart! Probably kill him!"

Terezi snorted. "Oh puh-leeze! Nothing could kill Kankri except a silver bullet!"

"And I cant replace Signless either. They loved you."

"I liked them too, Karkles! They were warm, lovable and loyal, but they died many years ago. Besides, one was your dad and the other one was a Boston Terrier! And no, I'm not after the company, I'm looking for something more important! This whole manager business has distracted you from your original goal! Dave's going into the army, I want to quit, and there will be nothing you can do but-"

Karkat grabbed her by the shoulder. "I have a $50,000 debt I can't pay! Please stay here, at least one more month, and I'll let you go. I'll…"

"Karkles, you listen to me! I'm serious!"

* * *

><p><em>TEREZI: He's going in the Army<em>_  
><em>_It's the best thing he could do__  
><em>_Now we're free to start to do__  
><em>_What we wanted to__  
><em>_Karkat, Karkat, K-A-A-ARKAT!__  
><em>_I remember how you told me__  
><em>_I should trust you for a sweep__  
><em>_It would just be for a sweep__  
><em>_But it's 5 human years!__  
><em>_Five human years, Kar!__  
><em>

_KARKAT:__Terezi, it takes time to go to business._

_TEREZI: It was only a part time__  
><em>_That's what you said__  
><em>_You just needed some boonbucks__  
><em>_That's what you said__  
><em>_You were going to college and get ahead__  
><em>_Instead of being a music manager scum__  
><em>_You were going to Alternia U__  
><em>_And become a-_

_KARKAT: Terezi, no, don't!_

_TEREZI: A threshecutioner!_

_KARKAT: Oh my gog…_

_TEREZI: And furthermore, you wrote poetry! It's in the yearbook of 2070, inside it says "Karkat Vantas's favorite show to practice your Thresh skills on was… Thresh Prince of Bel-Air!_

_KARKAT: *groans* I'm ruined…_

_TEREZI: A threshecutioner, a threshecutioner,__  
><em>_If only you'd been an threshecutioner,__  
><em>_We'd have a little apartment in LOTAF__  
><em>_You'd get a summer vacation__  
><em>_And we'd go down a different path!__  
><em>_A troll who's got his sweet smelling blood color__  
><em>_Is really someone__  
><em>_How proud I'd be if you had become one__  
><em>_It could have been such a wonderful life__  
><em>_I could have been Mrs. Vantas!__  
><em>_Mrs. Karkat Vantas,__  
><em>_Mrs. Terezi Pyrope Vantas,__  
><em>_The threshecutioner's wife!_

_KARKAT: Oh Terezi, I told you as soon as I get a few bucks ahead..._

_TEREZI: You said it before, Karkat!__  
><em>_And along came Dave Strider...__  
><em>_And it was goodbye Troll Will Smith__  
><em>_Hello Sappy Rom com songs!__  
><em>_Goodbye, for the rest,__  
><em>_Hello all KarKriLess__  
><em>_'Cause when you wrote Dave's first hit__  
><em>_Agha-bagha-boo__  
><em>_Then I knew that was it__  
><em>_You were through with being Thresh__  
><em>_Forever...__  
><em>_An threshecutioner is really someone__  
><em>_How proud I'd be if you had become one__  
><em>_It could have been such a wonderful life__  
><em>_I could have been __  
><em>_Mrs. Karkat Vantas__  
><em>_Mrs. Terezi Pyrope Vantas__  
><em>_The threshecutioner's wife!_

* * *

><p>Karkat sighed. "Okay, I'll make a deal with you. Stick with me, we'll get all the bread we need to satisfy my debt, and I'll go back to Alternia with you and go to AU where you can be the legislator like you wanted, me being a threshecutioner. It'll take a few years, but – Terezi, what are you doing?"<p>

Terezi slipped him another piece of paper saying "JADE HARLEY – AGE 16, CAPTAIN OF THE DAVE STRIDER FANCLUB #413, TART LEMON, OKLAHOMA".

"This will make things shorter. I call it 'One Last Kiss'." Terezi grinned. "The deal is, we get this Jade girl's phone number and call her to tell her that Dave Strider has chosen her to bestow his final kiss upon before leaving for the army. This'll make a million fangirls go crazy, and it will make Dave a huge hit in the business, causing us to earn a mint almost as minty as the smell of my blood!" She cackled. "You just gotta write the song."

"Terezi, you're a genius. Take him to Tart Lemon, let him kiss the kid, and then release the record! Let's see, One Last Kiss… is filled with bliss… coil up your… fist? Fuck it, that won't work. Let me try something else…"

Suddenly the phone rang, and Terezi answered it. "What d'ya mean, they're all busy... Jade got pinned?! To who? Never mind, keep trying and get me right back!"


	2. Pesterchum Hour - Lovely - Grumpy Face

**Tart Lemon, Oklahoma.**

* * *

><p><em>VRISKA: Hi Roxy!<em>

_ROXY: Hi Vriska!_

_VRISKA: What's going on, Green Sun?_

_ROXY: What's the sitch, spiderbitch? Tell me quick about Tavros and Jade!_

_CALLIOPE: Hi Meenah!_

_MEENAH: Hi Callie!_

_CALLIOPE: What's going on, Green Sun?_

_MEENAH: Yo what's up, good cherub? Have you heard about Tavros and Jade?_

_ALL: Did they become matesprits? What a very odd ship! Did he ask her out first? Or kiss her on the lip? Are they really matesprits (Yeah yeah,)? How very sweet! (Uh huh,) keep on spreading the word (He's gone), it's the new OTP!_

_ERIDAN: Hello miss Peixes, this is Eridan Ampora, can I speak to Feferi, please?_

_FEFERI: is it true about Jade?_

_ERIDAN: Fef, c'mon_

_FEFERI: I just knew it somehow!_

_ERIDAN: About prom, Fef_

_FEFERI: I must troll her right up!_

_ERIDAN: Saturday?_

_FEFERI: Oh Eridan, not now!_

_ALL: (They're red flushing!) You know it, dude! (They're red flushing!) It's crazy bro! (They're red flushing!)_

_JOHN: No homo!_

_RUFIOH: Will it last?_

_HORUSS: Why choose her?_

_DAMARA: She could do much better!_

_ERIDAN: Hello Miss Serket, it's Eridan Ampora, may I speak to Aranea?_

_BOYS: Heya Tavros! Heya numbnuts! Whatcha wanna go get flushed for! Hey nooksucker! Lost sanity? Are ya nutty?_

_ERIDAN: Hello Mr. Captor, is Sollux home from school yet?_

_ALL: Are they really matesprits? I'm so happy I'll cry! Isolating the rest, please don't say goodbye! If you gotta go, that's the way to go!_

_GUYS: If you're really flushed, you'll maybe get crushed! Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do?_

_GIRLS: Are they really matesprits? How very sweet! Keep on speeding the word! It's the new OTP!_

_ALL: Red flushing! Red flushing! Red flushing, flushing for good! Red flushing! Red flushing! Red flushing, flushing for good!_

_GIRLS: He's in love with Jade! Jade'll be okay!_

_ALL: Well oh well, do tell! Well oh well, do tell! It's the way it should go, they'll fill buckets I know!_

_GAMZEE: Kind of wished it was me, but you go, Tavbro!_

_ALL: Red flushing! Red flushing! Red flushing, flushing for good! Red flushing! Red flushing! Red flushing, flushing for good! Red flushing! Red flushing! Red flushing, flushing for good! Red flushing! Red flushing! Red flushing, AWWWWWWWW YEAH!_

* * *

><p>"Jade Harley, what do you mean you're quitting the Dave Strider Fanclub?!" Aradia practically screeched into the phone. "I mean, just because you and Tavros are red now doesn't mean you have to give up all social activity! Having a matesprit is a big deal, I understand, but Dave Strider is the biggest deal of the biggiest dealiest! Who else could worship that beautiful, radical creature like you do?"<p>

Jade giggled on the other side. "Aw, don't worry! I'm still his fan. Like, I'll still listen to his music and hang up his posters in my bedroom, but the pledge and the scream... It's getting old."

"Getting old?! You're giving up the scream? You mean when you see him on stage on the television you won't go... 'EEEEEEAAAAAAH!' ? Oh Jade!"

"If I see him in REAL LIFE, I'll do the scream."

"That makes things a little better, I guess. Just... Are you sure about this?" Aradia asked.

"My mind's made up, 'Rad. Hopefully the girls will understand."

"I'll tell them. See you around." She hung up.

* * *

><p><em>JADE: When you're a buck-toothed girl of fifteen,<em>

_Wide thick glasses, a grin ear to ear,_

_I thought I wouldn't fit in with the crowd._

_Then alrighty! I'm now sixteen!_

_And the embarrassment is gone!_

_And there's no need to hide the true you!_

_And you have that nice adult-ish tall cool girl feeling._

_How lovely to be normal,_

_The wait was well worth while;_

_How lovely to keep it natural,_

_And smile the Harley's smile._

_How lovely to have a voice,_

_That barely squeaks like a cat;_

_Whenever you see everyone staring,_

_You dont care about what they stare at._

_It's wonderful to feel_

_The way a Harley feels;_

_It gives you such a glow just to know_

_You're getting all the feels!_

_How lovely to be my new self_

_And have one job to do;_

_To pick out a lover and train him_

_And then when you are through,_

_You've made him the one you want him to be!_

_Life's lovely when you're a normal, like me!_

_How wonderful to know_

_The things a Harley knows;_

_How marvelous to wait for a date_

_In simply beautiful clothes!_

_How lovely to be a woman_

_And change from boys to men,_

_To go to a fancy nightclub_

_And stay out after ten._

_How lovely to be so adult-ish and free!_

_Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!_

* * *

><p>A phone rang again, this time it being her house phone instead of her cell phone. Jade looked puzzled. "Maybe it's for Jane..."<p>

"Jade honey! It's for you!" Jade's ecto-mom, Jane cried as she handed her the telephone.

"Thanks Jane, I'll take it from here.

Jane sighed. "The operator said she's been trying to get through to this city for nearly three-quarters of an hour! She said it was long distance and I can't imagine who... what did you say?"

Jade giggled. "I said, thanks, Jane. Hey, why are you so upset? It's modern to call your mother by her first name. It makes the mother and daughter more like friends. Besides, Jane is more easy to say, considering you're not literally my mom."

"Ugh... And your father?"

"I'll call him Jake, obviously. By the way, I think Jake took the news about Tavros and I awfully well, don't you, Jane?"

Jane thought this was pretty ridiculous. Jade was even starting to use a British accent to try sounding more grown up! "Yesterday I was a mother. Today, I'm a pal..."

"Well, times are changing and you've got to go along with them or be left behind with the old folks!"

"Jade, that's cold!" Jake called up from downstairs. "I'm not an old man! We're all practically the same age!"

Jade rolled her eyes and put the phone to her ear. "Sorry I took so long! Hello! H-huh? Dave Strider... is coming here... to kiss me? Jane... Mom... MOMMY!"

Jane rushed to Jade's side. "Are you okay?! Jade, what's wrong?"

Jade was nearly in tears as she hugged Jane. "Janey, its Dave Strider! He's coming to Tart Lemon to kiss me goodbye before leaving for the army!"

"THE Dave Strider?! Oh, that's wonderful!"

As the two of them chattered in excitement, John and Jake shook their heads. "Girls."

* * *

><p><strong>New Alternia, New York<strong>

* * *

><p><em>"We love you Strider! We're flushed for you! We love you Strider, we remain true! Without you our blood's dark blue! Oh Strider, we love you!"<em>

Karkat rushed over to the group of girls who were singing. "Sorry I'm late, guys. Lets do a couple more times with the Strider song- hey, you, girl sitting by herself, you can sing with us if you want to?"

The girl ignored him, resting her chin on her hand.

"What's with her?"

"Oh, she is just upset that she may be too old for Dave once he gets out of the Army." Meulin piped up.

"She's got a few years. Rose, there's no need to be upset. You look like me! Nobody wants that!" Karkat pleaded.

* * *

><p><em>KARKAT: Gray signs are gonna show up,<em>

_Don't copy my grumpy face;_

_Brush off the sadness and look up,_

_Don't copy my grumpy face._

_Change the gloomy mask just a bit,_

_It's my style, not yours,_

_You'll look so okay that you'll be relieved_

_Ya' decide to smile!_

_Pick out a different expression,_

_Stick out that noble chin;_

_Wipe off that "It's fucking over" look,_

_Slap on a happy grin!_

_And spread damn joy all over the place,_

_Don't copy my grumpy face!_

_Don't copy my grumpy face!_

_Don't copy my grumpy face!_

_And if you're feeling cross and not so bold_

_Don't sit and whine_

_Think of being a highblood and not be culled_

_And you'll feel fine_

_I knew a girl so glooming_

_She'd never laugh or sing_

_She wouldn't listen to me_

_Now she's a mean old thing_

_So spread damn joy all over the place_

_Just don't copy my grumpy face,_

_So, don't copy my grumpy face!_

* * *

><p>"Okay guys, lets get down to the train! Dave's waiting for you."<p>

The girls nodded and left. Terezi ran over to Karkat with two suitcases. "You did good, Karkles. What did you pack in this thing anyway?" She grumbled as she gave him his luggage.

"Sorry Tez. I'll carry your stuff the rest of the way."

"Alright. Oh, and your extremely bigoted brother is looking for you."

"Wait, what?" Karkat looked confused, then it came to him. "Oh. That guy."

"Karkat, brother!" A red turtleneck clad troll ran up to the two of them. "How wonderful to see you before you leave! The subway was just terrible and seeing you...it just makes it all worth it!"

"Dammit Kankri, I told you to take a taxi!" Karkat facepalmed.

"The subway is free. Here's the money I saved for NOT taking a cab." Kankri handed Karkat $50. "Who's that woman next to you?"

"Kankri, that's Terezi. From the office?"

Kankri stared Terezi down. "Terezi Pyrope." He murmured, "Pretty little Terezi with the most beautiful eyes? Sure, they're nice, but they aren't any use to you NOW aren't they? What happened, if you don't mind me asking. Does that trigger you? It's probably a sensitive subject, so I shouldn't have asked. But I can't help it if I'm curious."

Terezi bit her lip. "I'm just going to... Find Dave... By Kankri."

"Call me Mr. Vantas."

When Terezi left, Karkat told Kankri to sit down.

"I'm quitting KarKriLess."

"...What?"


	3. Alternian Coolkid - One Troll - Cool

Kankri stood frozen, in shock. "You're being serious...?"

"Kankri, come on. It can't be that bad."

"You're right... I just... Died a little inside. Daddy... Signless... I'm coming for you..."

"Look, Kankri. Terezi just thought... I mean I thought... We thought... Fuck it, never mind. Here's the money back, and take a cab. It's crowded here." Karkat gently pushed him.

"Oh please, nothing is too crowded for a brother. I'll take the I.R.T. The worst subway." He blubbered. "No, wait. How many blocks is it from here to home? 69? I'll walk." He walked away, often looking back. "Don't forget to wear your heavy coat... Look both ways before crossing the street... Keep your boonbucks in your inner pocket... Wear your pants up to your chest... Eat a h-hot lunch... Noooooo... My brother... Waaaaaah!"

Terezi sighed. "Oh Karkles, I thought you were going break the news to him gently!"

"I did. I swear to gog, he's such a spaz."

"He's coming! He's coming! Dave Strider is coming! In a non sexual way, he's coming!" A voice yelled.

"Oh! Terezi, Dave's coming. We can't let him talk to the reporters alone."

"But you promised-! Blaaaaaar!"

* * *

><p><em>HUSSIE: "Say Strider, how about answering some questions? How do you feel about going into the army?"<em>

_KARKAT: How does he feel? You just want to know? He's way too cool to tell you so I'll tell you, here we go! He feels loved and honored, he's training hard, getting prepared to start to strife_

_TEREZI: Bro had taught him, all that he knows, he'll face the bad guys and he'll fight!_

_ALL: For he's a rad, courageous, sunglass-wearing, heroic Alternian coolkid!_

_KARKAT: "And that's why he volunteered for-"_

_DOC SCRATCH: "Volunteered? Wasn't he drafted?"_

_HUSSIE: "And he appealed, three times."_

_TEREZI: Sing!_

_GIRLS: We love you Strider, we're flushed for you! We love you Strider, we remain true! When you're not here our blood's, dark blue! Oh Strider, we love you!_

_KARKAT: Very nice._

_DOC SCRATCH: "Say Dave, your fans tend to ship you with other males and you're okay with it. Do you happen to be gay?"_

_TEREZI: Is coolkid gay? Is Dave Strider gay? There's absolutely nothing to the rumor that he's gay!_

_KARKAT: They're real pals, like they're brothers, and they don't mean a thing. Those jewels and gold he gave them, were just Best Friendship Rings!_

_ALL: For he's a rad, courageous, sunglass-wearing, heroic Alternian coolkid!_

_HUSSIE: "Then why was he kissing one of them?"_

_KARKAT: Uh, sing!_

_GIRLS: We love you Strider, we're flushed for you! We love you Strider, we remain true! When you're not here our blood's, dark blue! Oh Strider, we love you!_

_KARKAT: "I'll never forget his first words when he realized he was going in the army. 'Say Karkat, think they might put me in the trenches? Things could get dirty down there, if you know what I mean'."_

_TEREZI: "Gog dammit..."_

_HUSSIE: "Give us the scoop, Karkat. Is Strider still rapping a lot?"_

_TEREZI: Oh yes he does, he beatboxes too! He rap battles his pals everyday and each time he doesn't lose!_

_KARKAT: He writes a lot of poetry, to come up with sick rhymes, he uses the dictionary, to pick words that are just right!_

_ALL: For he's a rad, courageous, sunglass-wearing, heroic Alternian coolkid!_

_HUSSIE AND DOC SCRATCH: Is it true you found Dave in a smuppet house?_

_KARKAT AND TEREZI: Lies, all lies! Totally not the truth! We'll tell you where he came from, and get a freaking clue!_

_TEREZI(KARKAT): He was born in southern Texas (He was born in north Alaska) Living with his older brother (Living with his Dad and Mother) Eating Doritos and drinking apple juice, his favorite pastime (Playing records and fighting with shitty swords for fun) He went to the cities to find a job for easy cash (He wanted to know whatever the hell the future held for him)_

_BOTH: That's where we heard him singing underneath a full midnight moon!_

_GIRLS: We love you Strider, we're flushed for you! We love you Strider, we remain true! When you're not here our blood's, dark blue! Oh Strider, we love you!_

_ALL: For he's a rad, courageous, average, normal, sunglass-wearing, heroic Alternian, Alternian coolkid!_

* * *

><p>Aradia greeted Dave with a bright smile. "Welcome, Dave Strider, to Tart Lemon! Before we escort you to the city hall where our sweet, bandaged up Mayor is waiting, let me introduce you to Jade Harley, the girl you've chosen to bestow your final kiss upon!"<p>

Dave winked at Jade through his shades, and she tried not to swoon.

"Girls, the pledge!"

"I..." There was a clutter of noises when the girls said their separate names. "Being sound, mind and body, do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true, to Dave Strider, and the United States of Alternia! Both indivisible with liberty and justice for all!"

As the kids gathered their stuff and left, Tavros grabbed Jade's hand.

"Uh, Jade? Before you go, could I, uh, talk to you for a minute?"

"Aw, right now?"

"It's important!"

Vriska rolled her eyes. "Oh, torea-dumbass, what's soooooooo important that you have to talk to her now?"

"Vriska, be quiet! The day after I start sharing my quadrant with Jade, she goes around kissing someone else! Red kissing!"

Calliope gasped. "Are you really jealous of Dave Strider?"

"No! That's an understatement! I'm, uh, VERY JEALOUS! Jade's my matesprit!"

"That's just it, Tav! You're my matesprit! I'm staying with you, forever and always!"

"You're not saying that to make me feel better?"

* * *

><p><em>JADE: One troll<em>

_One special troll_

_One troll to go with_

_To chat with and pail with_

_One troll_

_That's the way it should be_

_One troll_

_One certain troll_

_To make me giggle_

_And smile bright_

_Share Faygo with_

_One troll_

_Not pale or black_

_One day you'll know_

_This is what life shows_

_You need matesprits who's only here for you!_

_One troll_

_One loving troll_

_One troll to love for_

_For many sweeps and more!_

_One troll,_

_It's the way it should be!_

* * *

><p>Tavros gave Jade a soft kiss. "The troll she's flushed for, who makes her dizzy and almost faint... That troll is me!"<p>

Meanwhile, Terezi stood by and watched the whole thing. She sighed to herself. "Karkat..."

* * *

><p><em>TEREZI: When will he know<em>

_That this is what life shows?_

_Will he ever see that_

_He's the only one for me?_

_One troll_

_One busy troll_

_One troll to flush for_

_For many sweeps and more_

_One troll_

_That's the way it should be_

_Karkat, don't ignore me..._

* * *

><p>"Hey, get ready! Dave's coming!"<p>

"Get the camera!"

"Eridan, did you bring the stool for me to stand on?"

"Mom, you'd better get out of here, it's too crowded!"

"You'll have to drag me by the hair!"

"Didn't the doctor say that you couldn't be outside for more than an hour?"

"That's why I'm not going to see him anymore until Dave leaves!"

The whole town gathered by the town hall, and the Mayor, Wayward Vagabond, and his wife, Peregrine Merchant, stood by Dave in front of the crowd.

"Hello there! It's good to see you! As mayor of Tart Lemon, I give you the key of our city, mr. Dave Strider-"

A girl shrieked. "He said it! He said the name! EEEEEAAAAAH!"

"What's the matter girls?" WV asked. "All I said was Dave Strider!"

"EEEEAAAAAAHHHH!"

"If you girls won't stop, I can't finish my speech!"

Aradia shook her head. "No one wants to hear it! We want to hear from Dave!" She ran over to him and got on her knees. "Speak to us, oh radical one! Tell us how you make that glorious sound! That even now in anticipation of it, has reduced me, to snarling, growling, hungry junglebeast!"

* * *

><p><em>DAVE: You have to be just cool<em>

_You have to be just cool_

_No need to go to school_

_To learn to be cool_

_Because you just have to feel_

_Inside your soul_

_If you know what is rad,_

_Really know it you_

_Make them know it too_

_Type this up now_

_You have to be just cool_

_Obviously cool_

_Bro you gotta be_

_Just cool_

_If you make your life cool_

_Gotta make your life cool_

_There's one simple rule_

_You just gotta chill, oh baby!_

_Oh girlfriend!_

_Kiss me!_

_I need you!_

_In everything I do_

_My awesomeness shows through_

_Look me right in my eyes_

_Come on girl don't be shy_

_Immediately I'm just cool_

_When I sing about a time_

_Memory of that time_

_I know exactly how I_

_Can sing about that time_

_I just gotta make it cool!_

_If you make your life cool_

_Gotta make your life cool_

_There's one simple rule_

_You just gotta chill, oh baby!_

_Oh girlfriend!_

_Kiss me!_

_I need you!_

_You gotta be just cool_

_Oh oh oh, follow that simple rule_

_Oh my baby, oh yeah!_

_You have to be just cool (x6)_

_Oh my baby, oh yeah! (x2)_

_You have to be just cool (x3)_

_Oh my baby, oh yeah! (x3)_

_Oh my baby, oh yeah, yeah, yeah!_

* * *

><p>"Eridan! Where are you!"<p>

"Someone help me with Miss Peregrine!"

"There's a troll with slacks lying in the gutter! Who does she belong to?"

"Me, and leave her there!"

"I have a lock of someone's hair! I wonder if its his!"

"No it isn't, Damara, and give me back my hat!"

* * *

><p>"We love you Strider...we're flushed for you..." Four girls were crowded outside of Jade's house, singing the Strider song.<p>

"Come on Aradia, we've been out here all night!" Vriska moaned.

"Yeah, I'm tired!" Calliope complained.

"We made a promise to sing the Dave Strider song 10,000 times, and so far we've only been able to do it 5935 times! Sing, you slackers!"

"When you're not here our blood's... Dark blue..."


	4. One Last Kiss

"C'mon, Jake! Can't you clean this mess up?" Jade complained at her ectodad, who was eating his eggs. "I would like this place to look a little nicer when Dave comes down!"

"This mess, as you call it, Jade, just so happens to be my breakfast!" Jake retorted back. "And I intend to bloody enjoy it, thank you very much!

Jane patted Jade on the shoulder. "He should be able to enjoy his eggs, Jade. But how about we clean up some of the extra plates laying around? After all, you've worked hard to make a special breakfast just for Mr. Strider, isn't that right, Jake?"

Jake rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah…"

Jane nodded. "We Tart Lemon folk should be able to show the New Alternian folks that we can treat 'em right!" The girls were too busy cleaning to notice that Jake's eggs were never eaten, and ended up in the garbage. "It's not much to me, but for Jade's sake… there! Did you enjoy it, dear? Good. Now if you just hurry along…"

"Bloody hell, Jane, I'm not budging from this table until I get my coffee and read the paper!" Jake insisted.

Jane sighed. "Aw, sorry, I didn't have time to make a fresh pot. Maybe a warm taB will do it for you?"

John ran up to the table and sat next to Jake. "Morning dude, Here's your paper. I hope you don't mind, but I cut out a few stories about Dave."

Jake happily took it, only to discover that the majority of the paper was cut up. He looked like he was about to explode.

"I have tried to run this house on a regular basis. I have extended the privilege of self-determination to both the woman I probably married, probably not, and the children that have been made from the ectobiology machine from my DNA... The voice has been denied to no one for reason of age, sex, politics or sexuality! Last night, I gave up my room to a guest who repeatedly referred to me as 'Limey'! Telephone calls have been made on my phone to New Alternia, Skaia, Prospit, Derse, and Land of Little Cubes and Tea. I slept in a camp cot with my feet in the ashtray and by head in the freaking fireplace. Outside my window a bunch of crazy effing fangirls shrieked 'We Love You Strider' four thousand seven hundred and twenty-three times!... I have just lost two fried eggs! ... Gentleman, the game is over! Everything that once bloody was, has been dissolved; the Manga Carta is revoked, and Nero is back in town! And you DON'T offer an emperor a warm taB!" He roared.

Karkat entered the kitchen. "Mr. English-Crocker-Harley…"

"Just Mr. English is fine."

"Alright, just try to stay off the phone for a while, I'm expecting another call from New Alternia."

"Oh, that's perfectly splendid! I'll go out and burn rome." Jake stormed out, John following him. He came back with Dave a few moments later, the two of them laughing.

"You're pretty cool John. We should hang out more." Dave smiled.

"Only when you're not busy!" John replied, giving Dave a hi-five.

Dave sat down at the breakfast table and ate the toast with grape jelly that Jade had made him. He popped up a can of apple juice and chugged the whole thing in a matter of five seconds. "Nice. Call me up for lunch! Sup limey." He greeted Jake as he walked out of the house.

"Jane, about that boy…"

"Well if you ask me…"

"For christ's sakes, Jade is only sixteen and I don't want her to… Ugh, I don't care who's here. No ill-mannered lout is going to…

"Tell 'em dad!"

"You shut your pie hole!"

"Jake! You have no right to say that. The boy is our guest and…"

"Jane, this is my house and until you're eighteen…

"Uh, dad?

"I said, shut it, John! Until you're eighteen…"

"But Jake…"

"Will you leave me alone, Jade?!"

Karkat interrupted the clusterfuck of fighting by yelling out, "Mr. and Mrs. English! Jade! John! Is this the way you want seventy five million trolls, humans and cherubs alike to see you?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're all going to be on television with Dave. I just got the confirmation from Troll Ed Sullivan himself!" Karkat explained.

"TROLL Ed Sullivan? So basically, it's Ed Sullivan as a troll… and still alive?" Jake asked, clearly intrigued.

"What, is yours dead?"

"Yes. But that shouldn't matter! I've got a lovely wife, two great ectokids, and now this! We're going to be on TV you guys!"

* * *

><p>"So, this should work just fine for the show tonight, huh Karkat?"<p>

"It looks great Tez! Now there's something I wanted to talk to you about." Karkat started, but was interrupted by Terezi.

"Of course, it's been used as a movie house for a long time, but it'll be fine as a TV show place."

"It will be great, Terezi. Now what I wanted to say was..."

"They're shipping down the cameras and lights today..."

"FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET BABY JEGUS AND LORD GOG ALMIGHTY, TEREZI!"

Terezi turned to face him. "What?"

"If you'll forget about the Sullivan show for one grubfucking second, there's something very important I want to tell you, about us."

"Spill!"

"I wrote Kankri and told him no matter what... KarKriLess is dissolved!"

Terezi grinned and kissed his lips. "Yes! You finally did it!"

"I wrote him the day we left. It's been three days and no replies! He probably accepted the whole thing by now-"

The door burst open, a nubby horned troll in a terribly torn and dirty red turtleneck staggered in. "Three days on a trail ways bus... But what's the difference? I'm only a brother, and for a brother, a bus is good enough!" He pushed Terezi out of the way and rested his head in Karkat's black sweater.

Karkat groaned. "KANKRI! What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Did you think I wouldn't have come to see you, after getting a letter written under the influence of drugs and that I should stay at home? Kankri, this is to let you know that KarKriLess is dissolved! Dissolved! Dissolve me? I'm triggered! So triggered that I might not last the night... My tombstone shall have 'A Brother' carved onto it... Don't get me a hearse to get me to my final resting place, I'll walk!"

"Kankri!"

"And tell that blind friend of yours that I forgive her! She knoweth not what she doneth!"

"Excuse you, I'm right here!" Terezi complained loudly.

"Terezi, hello. You look terrible!" He snarked at her, and turned back to his very embarrassed brother.

"For her own sake, Karkat. Send her back to LOTAF. Don't worry about a secretary, I found the perfect one on the way here!" A young looking troll with an oddly shaped blue hat on entered, grinning.

"Say hello to Miz Nepeta Legion!"

Nepeta giggled. "Hey Karkitty. AC thinks you're very cute!"

Karkat gripped onto Terezi's hand. "I don't need a secretary, I have Tez!"

Kankri scoffed. "What does Tez need a job for? In a couple weeks, she'll be getting a new cane! Besides, Nepeta doesn't just type."

Karkat cocked an eyebrow. "What does she do?"

"I draw to mew-sic! I'll help you do the typing thing, and you'll get me into show business!" Nepeta smiled and got out a canvas and some, er... Paint. "Kankri, give me a hum?"

"But of course." As he hummed, she drew a picture of her and Karkat kissing. Terezi couldn't help but feel incredibly pissed.

"Do I get the job?"

"Uh... I'm used to working with Terezi but considering there's lots of stuff to do... Tez?"

"Oh whatever." Terezi grumbled.

"Atta girl, Rezi! Keep working and I'll show Nepeta what to do. I'll find you a typewriter, Nep... You use the touch system?"

"Whenever possible, Karkitty," Nepeta snickered, shooting Terezi a gloating look and she wrapped an arm around him.

"I could kill him... I could just kill him!" Terezi fumed. She sat down, sighing in defeat.

"Miss Pyrope? Are you okay?"

Terezi looked up and took a whiff. Tavros sat down next to her, looking rather concerned.

"Hey Tavros. What's up?" She asked.

"Have you seen Jade anywhere? I, uh, really, really don't want her to kiss Dave tonight... Hey... What's wrong? You want me to help you with anything?"

"Hm... Yeah Tav. I think you can."

* * *

><p>Later that night...<p>

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!" Troll Ed Sullivan's voice boomed from offstage. "Before our average Alternian hero leaves, one lucky lady will receive one last kiss from him! Introducing, Dave Strider!"

* * *

><p><em>DAVE: Oh one last kiss,<em>

_Oh Harley one last kiss_

_I've always wanted this_

_You've always wanted this_

_Lets show the world our love_

_Oh oh oh_

_Harley, one last kiss._

_Oh Witch of Space_

_You are the Witch of Space_

_Your beauty tends to grow_

_All over the whole place_

_Lets show the world our love_

_Oh oh oh_

_Harley one last kiss_

_Whoa, Jade, I want one last kiss_

_Whoa, Jade, I want one last kiss_

_Oh Knight of Time_

_I am the Knight of Time_

_It could be a good sign_

_You and I will be fine_

_Lets show the world our love_

_Oh oh oh,_

_Harley one last kiss_

_ALL: One last kiss, One last kiss, Oh Harley, one last kiss! One last kiss, One last kiss, Oh Harley, one last...!_

* * *

><p>"Brace yourself, Jade."<p>

"You brave yourself, Dave Strider!" A grey colored fist striked Dave across the face, knocking him out immediately!

"Tavros! You hit him!" Jade screamed.

"Uh, I had to! He was a... Uh... A thief of love!" Tavros exclaimed.

"Tavros Nitram, I never want to talk to you again!" She ran off the stage, sobbing, and Tavros ran after her.

Karkat kneeled next to Dave's body. "I demand to know who's fucking responsible for this! Who let that kid in here?!"

"I did, Karkles." Terezi smirked.

"Terezi...?"

"Just a little farewell present to you and Miss Legion. Wear it in good health."

Karkat panicked. "Terezi! Don't leave me here alone!"

"You're not alone, Karkat. You're on television!" Terezi rushed offstage.

Karkat seemed confused, but then realized there was a live audience sitting there, in shock of the fallen singer. He laughed nervously.

* * *

><p><em>KARKAT: For he's a rad, courageous, sunglass-wearing, heroic Alternian coolkid!<em>

_ALL: For he's a rad, courageous, sunglass-wearing, heroic Alternian coolkid!_


	5. What Did I Ever Smell In Him? - Chilling

_TEREZI: Five years, some sweeps,_

_two point five, I wasted on him_

_It's done, I'm through,_

_Karkles, love, to put it nicely_

_Screw you!_

_"That's right, screw you! From now on, it's going to be me, Terezi, painting the town red, singing, dancing and having a good time, making up for five years of being flushed for a brother clutching, nubby horned, mutant blooded mistake!"_

_What did I ever smell in him?_

_How did I ever feel that way?_

_Our matespritship was a mess, I say,_

_What did I ever smell in him?_

_Everything just smelled so red!_

_I wet a bit crazy in the head!_

_Things would be better if he were dead!_

_What did I ever smell in him?_

_Is he loving? Nope, no way!_

_Is he caring? Not a chance!_

_Am I psycho? Well he has_

_Something hard to run away from!_

_What did he ever do for me?_

_I'll admit that he smelled very sweet,_

_But it probably not worth it for me._

_It was doomed, from the start!_

_Broken shades, broken dreams, broken heart!_

_What did I ever?_

_Why did I ever?_

_How did I ever?_

* * *

><p>Jade entered the room and sat down next to Terezi. "Hey, it's not like every other man is like that, right?" She asked, in an attempt to comfort her.<p>

"Every single one of them, Jade!" Terezi groaned. "From wriggling to death, from Jack Noir to Lord English!"

Jade shook her head in disbelief. "It's hard to believe that Ms. Paint wanted to marry him in the first place. What are we poor girls to do, Miss Pyrope?"

Terezi flashed Jade a sharp toothed grin. "We use them. Let them be our playthings while we make our own potions to make them stay with us. Make them think we love them, yet in reality, we don't! How d'ya like them apples, Vantas?"

* * *

><p><em>BOTH: Do we need them? Nope, no way!<em>

_Do we want them? Not a chance!_

_Will we leave them? No we won't!_

_It's much more fun to watch them squirm!_

_TEREZI: What did I ever smell in him?_

_JADE: How could I ever think that he was sweet?_

_TEREZI: It definitely wasn't worth it, for me!_

_JADE: They said that, it won't last!_

_TEREZI: Oh dear Karkat, you can just kiss my ass!_

_BOTH: What did we ever smell(see) in..._

* * *

><p>"Tavros Nitram!" Jade cried out.<p>

"Eh?"

Jade curled up her fist. "What did I ever see in him? He's just as bad as Karkat, if not worse! Terezi, I'm coming with you!"

Terezi jumped out of her seat. "Jade! Don't do that, you're only like, 16!"

"Juliet left home when she was 14!"

"And look what happened with her. Jade, I think you should just relax, drink some apple juice, hang out with Dave, maybe have some cake..." Terezi suggested, but Jade grabbed her by the shoulder. "There's no time for fucking cake! I want to live!"

"Uh, Jade, you're not dead..."

"SHUSH! I'm going to get ready to go!"

Terezi face palmed. "Maybe I should tell Karkat... NAH!"

"Karkat, for the last time, I'm fine. And I don't want to get into a recuperacoon, since I'm, you know, human. Just leave me alone!" Dave complained as Terezi walked downstairs. He was arguing with Karkat and Kankri, who was begging him to get some rest.

"Strider, be fucking reasonable! You've gone into a severe shock, and- aha! There you are, you little traitor!" Karkat yelled and stomped up to her.

"Careful, as much as I hate to swear, since it could trigger someone, that blind bitch has her cane!" Kankri warned.

Terezi crossed her arms, tapping her right foot. "Let me through, you two." She said calmly.

"Kankri, get Dave to bed. I'll handle Terezi, who stabbed me in the heart when my back was turned." Karkat glared at his former matesprit.

"I said, let me pass." Terezi tried again. "I'm going out tonight, and I don't want to waste another second! I've already wasted five years!"

Karkat, being the oblivious guy he was, else up his hand to stop her. "Not until I've had my say, Pyrope. Thanks to Kankri's quick thinking, the kiss will take place after all. Tomorrow morning, at the train station, before Strider leaves."

He poked her forehead with his pointer finger. "Looks like you failed, sweetie. Just like everyone must fail when they try to fuck with Karkat Vantas, the leader of the game, and the Knight of Blood!"

* * *

><p><em>TEREZI: What did you ever do for me?<em>

_There are times that you smelled so sweet!_

_But now I know it's not worth it for me!_

_We were doomed, from the start,_

_Broken shades, broken dreams, broken heart!_

_"And for fuck's sake, get out of my way, you defrocked threshecutioner!"_

_What did I ever smell in you?!_

* * *

><p>She shoved him out of the way and walked out the front door.<p>

"Terezi? Oh god! Wait!" Karkat realized what a huge mistake he had made, and followed her. "Don't leave me! Terezi!" He called out, soon giving up when she was too far for him to see in the night. "I'm sorry..."

He walked back into the house, where Jane, Jake, Jade and John were waiting. "I fired Terezi... Well, more like she quit and I fired her at the same time. We both had a good reason to let her go."

The phone rang, and he picked it up. "Yes, Terezi's no longer with us..."

"She left out the front door, right?" Jade asked. "In that case, that's my cue to go too."

Jake cocked an eyebrow. "Where do you think you're going, especially this late?"

"With Terezi!" She replied. "To live, to mix my own potion! To start my own adventure of a lifetime!"

"Upstairs." Jake commanded.

"B-but-"

"UPSTAIRS, FARMSTINK!"

"Oh, she was right! You men are all the same! From wriggling to... To Lord English!" Jade screamed as she stormed upstairs.

"Wriggling to Lord English?" Jake murmured. "Why make that silly comparison in front of me? I didn't want to have to hear those words for a long time… I'm going to bed, I'm not feeling well... The rest of you should go too, it's 10:00."

As the family headed to their rooms, Karkat was still talking. "That's classified information, fuckass! That's what you should put on your paper!... It's not a paper, it's a magazine...? Oh... Okay." Karkat hung up the phone. "Terezi, I need you..." He moaned.

Karkat knew that it was all or nothing. He was going outside when Kankri stopped him. "Isn't it too late for you to go outside as well?"

"Kankri, shut up! I'm going to find Terezi! I love her and I want her back, and YOU are coming with me to find her!" He grabbed Kankri by the ear and pulled him away from the house.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow! Wait! Dave wanted me to tell you something!"

"Well, spit it out already!"

"He said that he wants to go out and may not be back in time for the kiss!"

Karkat froze. "WHAT?! Oh that douche! He knows how much this means to me! Strider, get your ass out here!"

Dave, in no time, was outside wearing his casual t-shirt and jeans. "Quit yelling, Vantas, I'm coming. And I don't care what you say, I'm bored! I have only but a mere eight hours before I leave this town for the military, and I want to have a little fun with some girls!"

"You're not allowed to leave without my permission!" Karkat roared. "Kankri, do something!"

Kankri sighed and pulled off his red turtleneck, making a sexy pose. "Wouldn't you prefer a more mature... strong guy?"

"Forget it Kanks. I'm out of here."

At the same time when he was leaving, a lot of other teens were starting to sneak out as well.

* * *

><p><em>DAVE: There are girls<em>

_I'm looking to hang with_

_And I'd like to hang with a few_

_Some don't know what the hell they're missing_

_I've got a lot of chilling to do_

_Apple juice all ready for drinking_

_And there's shitty swords all shiny and new_

_Gotta stride, my power's a wasting_

_I've got a lot of chilling to do!_

_JADE: There are boys_

_Of both trolls and humans_

_That are strong and handsome and cute_

_Perfect boys that give girls all they can_

_I've got a lot of chilling to do!_

_DAVE: There's planets to see_

_Also to go_

_What else to do?_

_Go to clubs_

_And dance a few!_

_DAVE: "Hey girls, you're from around here, right? What's the lowdown of this place?"_

_CALLIOPE: "Tart Lemon, Oklahoma, was founded in 1842 by the all powerful Condecension..."_

_DAVE: "No, I meant, what do you do for fun?"_

_ARADIA: "Well, there's the Fruity Rumpus Sweet Shoppe, and the school swimming pool."_

_VRISKA: "Not to mention, the Bucket House!"_

_DAVE: "Bucket House? What's there?"_

_JADE: "Buckets, I guess..."_

_DAVE: "Oh. Hey Jade. What else do you know about it?"_

_JADE: "From what I've heard, older couples go there when they want to be alone."_

_DAVE: "Youre speaking my language! Lets go!"_

_ALL: Crazy clothes of Kanaya's choices_

_Upside down, and enjoy the ride!_

_Swim in love, and let the stars guide you!_

_We've got a lot of chilling to do!_

_DAVE: There's planets to see,_

_Also to go,_

_What else to do?_

_Let us sing a song or two!_

_ALL: Oh, Life's a game_

_With so many levels_

_And there's lots just waiting for you!_

_You're alive, not in the dream bubbles_

_You've got a lot of chilling_

_Such a lot of chilling_

_What a lot of chilling to do~!_

* * *

><p>Unlike the rest of the teens in Tart Lemon, Tavros was heading the opposite of where they were going. Jane and Jake caught up to him, panting. "T-Tavros... You haven't seen Jade around, h-have you?" Jane asked.<p>

"How should I know?" Tavros replied, glumly. "Ask Dave Strider. She's ran off with him to do 'Upside down, swimming in love, and enjoying the ride'. Or whatever they were talking about. Me? I'm going to do the only logical thing and drink myself to death!"

Jake wasn't about to stop him. "Upside down? Swimming in love? Enjoying the ride? Oh bloody 'ell, Jane, get my gun."

"Both of them, dear?"

"Both of them."


	6. Blind Terezi - Pester Me - Kids(Grubs)!

**WARNING: This chapter may be offensive for those with certain disabilities. If you are blind, or know someone who is blind, please skip this chapter if you don't like blind stereotypes!**

* * *

><p>Tavros sat down at the bar table of Mr. Makara's Roadside Retreat, sighing. "I'll have, uh, a double rocks on the scotch," He ordered. The bartender, a tall, muscular and purple blooded troll, squinted his eyes at the taurus, as if he were to say "Are you fuckin serious?"<p>

"Uh, and put some rocks in it this time?" Tavros tried again.

"How old are you, motherfucker?" the bartender asked in a raspy voice.

"15 sweeps." Tavros replied, taking no chances.

"GET OUT."

"What about a sopor flavored faygo?"

"There's no such thing, although that would be pretty damn miraculous. Now beat it."

"Just let me sit here with some water!" Tavros pleaded desperately.

"OUT, LOWBLOOD!" The bartender roared.

Tavros stood up, coiling his fist. "I demand to see the manager! Uh, where's Mr. Makara?"

The bartender pointed at himself, chuckling. "That would be me. Others call me The Grand Highblood. And if you're not outta here in the next ten seconds, I'll throw you out by grabbing onto one of those long-ass horns of yours and chuck you out of the motherfuckin building!" he threatened.

Tavros shook in fear and walked off. "O-okay, I'm, uh, leaving… geez."

"GOOD RIDDANCE."

Terezi entered the bar, whispering to Tavros "Welp, you tried." She sat down on the stool, and flashed a sharp toothed grin at Mr. Makara. "Double bourbon, scotch on the side, no ice, with a cherry. No, make that 413 cherries! Pyrope's the name, but you can call me Blind Terezi!"

Mr. Makara bit his lower lip. "Uh, I can't give you that much cherries. Also, Blind Terezi? You don't look blind." He remarked. "GET OUT.

"Now wait a minute!" Terezi growled. "I just so happen to be the descendant of Neophyte Redglare, and I have an ID to prove I'm 15 sweeps! I have a right to drink here if I so choose! This is my coming out party!"

"So you're a lesbian?"

"Pff, no! I meant a different kind of coming out!"

"YOU'RE ALL UP AND CONFUSIN' ME. WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR, MIDBLOOD? IS THERE A GUY INVOLVED?"

Terezi rolled her eyes. "Yes. A momma's boy. Only replace 'momma' with 'brotha'. And he hates me because I'm blind. Legitimately blind. In fact, I could show him how blind I really can be!"

* * *

><p><em>I'm just a blind moron in Kankri's eyes, hun<em>

_Just because someone had me stare into the sun_

_Which is kind of funny_

_Since I just use my nose, so insults I'll shun_

_I'll be just sitting at home doing nothing,_

_All day long because blind girls can't work!_

_I'll read books only written in Braille!_

_I'll be so blind, you wanna hear some more?_

_I'll carry white canes and walk with seeing eye dogs!_

_I'll see nothing but darkness, how about that!_

_The only quote I'll know is that "Love is Blind"!_

_I'll be more visually impaired than a bat!_

_I can't see!_

_I ran into something!_

_Whoa_

_Call me the wild, wild blind Terezi!_

_The craziest midblood, that's me!_

_I'll kick up my heels and see_

_How it feels to be psycho blind Terezi!_

_Okay!_

_Behind my red glasses I will smile_

_I can't do it, but they will see!_

_So regal and cool, exciting and cruel,_

_That's blind Terezi!_

_(My name Terezi Pyrope!)_

_(You'll read that for me, won't you?)_

_(I need help crossing the street, yes please? Ha!)_

_Everyone let me give you a bit of advice_

_To cross the blind do not twice_

_Your match you have found_

_So don't mess around_

_My heart is cold as ice!_

_With Karkat I will dance and he will lead me!_

_We'll hang out with my puppy, Pyralsprite_

_He'll wear a lot of yummy red just for me!_

_My handsome mutant lover, he's alright!_

_So now that you have met blind Terezi_

_Never forget the blind Terezi_

_She'll giggle,_

_She'll troll you, but what troll can blame you_

_For worshiping the blind Terezi!_

_Not deaf or,_

_Paralyzed,_

_Not mute, no_

_Anosmia_

_But blind~_

_Terezi!_

* * *

><p>"Sup motherfucker. Mr. Makara speakin'." He spoke into the phone Terezi was singing.<p>

"This is Karkat Vantas. Can you put Terezi Pyrope on the line?" A voice on the other side requested.

"Who? Oh, that crazy midblood dancing on the bar rable singing about being blind? Yeah, sure, I'll put her on." Mr. Makara chuckled, then called out to her. "Hey, Stevie Wonder! Vantas on the phone, he wants to talk to ya!"

Terezi grabbed the phone and yelled into the speaker, so she could be sure that he could hear her insults. "You tell that nubby horned mutant I'm not here!"

"See, that proves she's there! Who else would know that I'm a mutant?"

"A MUTANT THAT HASN'T BEEN CULLED?!" Mr. Makara asked.

"Touch him and die, Makara." Terezi threatened, reluctantly put the phone to her ear.

"Terezi, Dave's gone missing." Karkat reported to her, obviously panicked.

"Of course. I thought you were going to beg me to take you back. But noooo. You call me just to tell me that a flimsy coolkid has gone missing. You know what? I'm done with Strider! I don't even want to hear his name. I'm hanging up now."

"No no no no no no! Tez! Don't hang up - we can talk about something else! Anything! Just stay with me!" Karkat begged.

* * *

><p><em>Pester me, Rezi, won't you pester me<em>

_I don't care what you say Rezi, pester me_

_Why do you wish to stay away from me?_

_It feels so wrong this way, pester me_

_And if you miss me, let me know_

_Need a shoosh pap, let me know_

_Still flushed for me, let me know_

_Pyrope, let me know_

_Pester me till I hear you laugh again_

_Then you'll know theres no need to speak at all_

_(Why do you wish to stay away from me, Rezi)_

_I don't care what you say_

_(Oh, pester me)_

_Pester me_

_(Go on, what can you lose, it won't fuckin hurt)_

_And if you miss me_

_(Ooh, let him know)_

_Need a shoosh pap_

_(Girlie, girlie, let him know)_

_Still flushed for me, let me know_

_(Rezi, Rezi)_

_Let me know_

_Pester me till I hear you laugh again_

_Then you'll know theres no need to speak at all_

_Pester me till I hear you laugh again_

_Then you'll know theres no need to speak at all_

_Pester me, pester me!_

* * *

><p>"Alright, I'm convinced. Meet me outside of Mr. Makara's. I'll just use the bathroom, fix myself up and I'll be right there." Terezi smiled lightly. She couldn't resist it when Karkat was being an adorable sap. "Bye."<p>

Tavros, still leaning by the entrance, tried to catch Terezi's attention. "Psst. Ms. Pyrope? Uh, you should probably know that, uh, Jade's missing too. She's run off with Dave, and they're heading to the bucket house!"

Terezi's eyes widened. "Holy crap! No wonder why Karkat was so desperate to contact me! Hold on Karkles! I'm coming! But first, I gotta pee."

"Uh, okay then…?"

* * *

><p>"Tell me again why I had to come along to find someone not worth looking for?" Kankri complained to Karkat as he stumbled across the dirty pavement in the middle of the night. "We should be in bed by now!"<p>

"Kankri, I'm NOT six anymore. I will not stop searching until Terezi is back in my arms, safe and sound!" Karkat snapped. "Jegus fuck, I don't know why I brought you along either. If you want to leave, that's fine."

Karkat stopped for a moment after that sentence. "Actually… that's a good idea. Why don't you go back to Jade's house?"

Kankri's jaw dropped in disbelief. "What was that, brother?"

"I said, go home Kankri. I don't need you anymore.

The dancestor's lip quivered and he was almost in tears. "I see how it is. The day has finally come that my little brother doesn't need anymore! Well, throw me away, why don't you? The garbage is right there! I'll just lie there and let a bunch of alley cats crawl all over me. By the way, I have a report from the hospital saying I have a condition. They don't know what it is, exactly, but they know that I can't be cured and that it is very deadly, just like our sign. Don't spend a cent on my funeral, those are triggeringly expensive! Wait until June 12th, OUR BIRTHDAY, wrap me in my turtleneck and dump me in the river! There, I feel a little better. I'm going to lie on top of a garbage truck headed for the dump and you can go ahead and run around with a blind hussy who came looking for a good time and stayed to ruin an Alternian Troll's life! I'M SO TRIGGERED!"

Karkat stood still, unimpressed. "You done?"

"Yes brother. Goodnight."

"My name is NOT brother, Kankri."

"Goodnight… Karkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" Kankri wailed as he ran away, sobbing. As expected, Karkat was pretty damn pleased with himself.

His happy thoughts were interrupted by Jake, gripping a pistol in each hand. "Where the bloody 'ell is Dave and Jade?" He demanded.

"The fuck should I know, Mr. English? At this point I don't care what Dave is doing, but - wait. Dave AND JADE?!

"They've run off together!" Jane replied worriedly. "If they're not found soon, Jake might end up calling the cops!"

"Oh gog, don't bring the police into this."

Suddenly, a bunch of other parents began to catch up with Karkat and the English-Crockers.

"Jane! Jake! Have you seen Aradia? She's been missing since 10:00!" The Handmaid cried.

"And Eridan? You haven't seen him either?" Dualscar added.

"And Roxy or Calliope?"

Karkat laughed nervously. "There might be a chance that they might be at the drugstore doing those… What do they call them? Gang wars?"

"WHAT?!"

* * *

><p><em>HUMAN ADULTS: Kids!<em>

_I don't know what are they going to do again!_

_TROLL ADULTS: Grubs!_

_Who can understand their shenanigans?_

_HUMAN ADULTS: Kids!_

_They are so ridiculous and triggering!_

_They think that they know almost everything!_

_TROLL ADULTS: We just want to know,_

_Grubs!_

_HUMAN ADULTS: Kids! They just don't make any sense to me!_

_TROLL ADULTS: Grubs! With their falldown slats and slam poetry!_

_ALL: Why can't they be like we were,_

_Way back in the day?_

_If only if they ended up being culled-_

_HUMAN ADULTS: Kids!_

_What the heck is wrong with these kids today?_

_TROLL ADULTS: Grubs!_

_Who would predict that they'd turn out that way!_

_ALL: Why can't they be like we were,_

_Way back in the day?_

_HUMAN ADULTS What's the matter with kids?_

_TROLL ADULTS: What's the matter with grubs?_

_ALL: What's the matter with them, today?_

* * *

><p>"Uhhhh…. hiyas, everybody~ Good ol' Taaaaaaaaavroooooooos here!" Tavros walked in, his facial expression vacant, and his walk all crooked. Had he managed to get something to drink after all? "Whoop-!" He fell in the garbage can face first. Jane rushed over to him, and placed her hands on her hips. "Tavros Nitram! What have you been drinking?"<p>

"Uh, hoofbeast milk. But it worked, heh~ And there is a perfectly good reason why I'm, uh, drunk! My matesprit has gone off with Dave Strider to the-"

"TO THE MOVIES!" Karkat interrupted Tavros. "Yeah, there's a really good one tonight, In Which One Troll Sits Idly Until One Day When He Finds Himself Head Over Heels Flushed For Redrom Interest A, But Redrom Interest A Is Flushing For Her Kismesis, Whose Auspicticious Moirail Is The Main Protagonist. I remember when Rezi and I watched it together, good times. Speaking of the devil, Terezi!"

Terezi just so happened to be walking out of the bar when Karkat was explaining the long movie title. "Karkles! There you are!"

"Tez! Thank god… I have good news! I told Kankri off, and I have a feeling he won't bother us again!"

Terezi grinned kissing his nose. "Well, I'm happy about that, really, but there's a more urgent matter that has to be discussed! Bad news - Dave and Jade are at the Bucket House, whatever that is!"

Jake gasped. "BUCKET HOUSE?! Oh blimey cobblers, I knew that having Dave here was going to be jolly bollucks! Bloody 'ell, my daughter is getting off, snogging with a wanker! Call the cops, the FBI, anyone!"

Terezi's jaw dropped. "Spoke too soon?"

Karkat patted her on the back. "Well, it pays to be honest."


	7. Rezi

"Well, here we are, the Bucket House!" Jade announced, spreading out her arms and tilting her head. Dave pursed his lips as he looked around. This place was nothing too special - it just looked like an old barn with a bunch of different colored splatters on the wall, and of course, a bunch of buckets. A little disappointing but hey, at least he was alone with Jade.

She went on, "Fun isn't it? Of course, I've been here a couple times with the girls. I hope you aren't nervous about me being two months older than you, but we should be fine!" Despite Jade's effort to try to make him feel comfortable about this place, the rapper still felt unsure. What if Tavros showed up?

"Yeah, this is okay, I guess." Dave mused. "But I'm starting to get the feeling that we should go back to your house. I mean, Karkat's kinda looking for me and all, I have to get up early tomorrow, and plus, I'm already in enough trouble with your folks as it is."

Jade nodded, dropping the 'older girl' act. "Yeah, you're right. Let's get out of here, usually trolls come in here anyway."

"THERE YOU ARE, OH RADICAL ONE!"

The two humans whirled round to see Aradia, who was being followed by a bunch of other excited teenagers.

"We've been looking for you everywhere, coolkid!" Aradia gushed, grabbing onto Dave's arm, giggling madly.

"Uh, that's nice I guess. Now get out of my way, I'm late." Dave replied, trying to move through the crowd.

"You don't understand! We're coming with you!" Feferi winked.

"You said it yourself, we've got a lot of chilling to do!" Vriska chimed in, shaking in anticipation. "We'll never go home again! We'll follow you to all the planets in the universe!"

"Swim in love!" Calliope exclaimed.

"Upside down!" Roxy enthused.

"Enjoy the ride!" Eridan cheered.

Dave stepped back, throwing his hands up. "Guys, those things I said aren't really as fun as I said they would be…"

"We can start right now! Let's have a corpse party!" Aradia shrieked, looking like she had stars in her eyes.

* * *

><p><em>We've got a lot of chilling<em>

_Such a lot of chilling_

_What a lot of chilling_

_What a lot of chilling_

_What a lot of chilling…!_

* * *

><p>The crowd of teens kept coming closer and closer to Dave, so much that Jade got pushed out, which left her standing in awe, wondering why these kids she knew were so… so… insane?<p>

The excitement came to a halt when Jade heard her ecto-dad's voice bellow over the screaming fans.

"THERE HE IS, THE DEPRAVED BRUTE! Arrest that kid!" Jake roared, pushing and shoving throughout the crowd so the police could finally get him in handcuffs. "What do you have to say about yourself, Mr Strider?"

Dave sighed in relief. "Thank JEGUS you came. Hey Jade, isn't that your friend?"

Tavros bit his lip when the word 'friend' was mentioned. "Uh, hey guys…?"

Jade's eyes widened when she realized the things she did to Tavros, her matesprit, the one she was supposed to be in love with in the first place. "Tav! I'm so sorry!" She cried out and ran over to him for a hug. "What I did was wrong, and all that it did was end me up in humiliation!"

"That's all I needed to hear." Jake concluded. "Taka 'im away, boys!"

Karkat rolled his eyes. "What a douche… Looks like I need to bail him out in the morning, wasting all of the hard earned boonbucks I made over the 3 sweeps…"

Terezi grimaced. "Honestly… but it will be okay."

"No, no, no, It won't be okay! This is the NEW Karkat, I told Kankri goodbye, and I'm going down to deal with the mayor!" The cancer stomped off, but stopped at the door. "Could you meet me at the train station at 6:30 in the morning? I'll be there with Dave and Kankri, since he kind of has to come with us. We'll figure something out to get me out of KarKriLess."

Terezi nodded.

"And Terezi…? Did I mention that I'm flushed for you?"

"Not yet…" Terezi stammered, blushing.

"Well, I do."

* * *

><p><em>It will become such a wonderful life<em>

_I will soon be Mrs. Vantas!_

_Mrs. Karkat Vantas,_

_Mrs. Terezi Pyrope Vantas..._

* * *

><p>"Oh, nothing can stop me now!" Terezi grinned.<p>

"Hello, Pyrope." A voice sniffled from behind her, belonging to none other than tear stained faced Kankri. "Looks like we're alone at last. Could you spare a minute to have a bloodpusher to bloodpusher with an old friend?"

"Why not? I'll always have time to chat with the man that by tomorrow, I'll be able to call…" Terezi smirked, pausing for dramatical effect.

"Don't say it, Terezi. It could be triggering." Kankri warned, but he was too late.

"Brother!"

The red cancer placed his hand over his chest, like he was having a heart attack. "You're so cruel…"

But Terezi continued. "And as soon as Karkat and I are married, the first thing I'll do is smell him all over, maybe even get a taste, if you know what I mean!"

"Disgusting!" Kankri spat. "This conversation is over. Goodbye, Blindy."

"Call me Mrs. Vantas."

* * *

><p>"C'mon fuckass, there's no one here." Karkat coaxed, dragging Dave by the sleeve of the dress he was wearing. Dressing him up as a woman was the only way to keep him from being seen.<p>

"This is so uncool." Dave complained.

"Shut the fuck up and get on the damn train. It took all the boonbucks I had to get your ass out of jail."

"Now hold on bud." Dave stopped him. "You saved my life, and you can forget about that debt. I mean, you are in a contract with me forever. Here's a blank piece of paper with my name on it. Do whatever you want with it."

Karkat snatched the sheet out of his hands and didn't hesitate to rip it to shreds. "Or you could do that."

Kankri joined them shortly, and got on the train without saying a word. However, he came back out without his luggage and laid down on the train tracks. "Don't worry about your coat, you can have my sweater once the train passes over me!" He called out. "I know all about you and that maniac, so what is there for me to live for?"

Karkat growled and pulled his dopey brother out. "I have no time for screwing around! She's my maniac, so get on the train, stupid!"

"Mr Vantas!" Jake panted, as he caught up to Karkat. "Where is Dave Strider? That boy is not in that jail, where he should be!"

Karkat shrugged, looking innocent. "Haven't seen him since last night. It's been a good time but I really have to go and help… Terezi… on the train."

Jake scowled, but Jane wrapped her arm around him. "Relax, honey. No need for worries, Jade and Tavros are back together, and the sweetest thing happened! He proposed, and she accepted!"

"Auugh!" Jake wailed. "Is she nuts? My life is over now. I'll sell the house and go into a home!"

As Jane lead her husband away, the train started to leave.

"Yo, Karkat, the train's starting!" Dave called out, but Karkat just laughed and waved. "Bye bye, Strider!"

"Screw you, man. just screw you!"

"Karkat you traitor!"

_"We love you Strider! We're flushed for you! We love you Strider, we remain true! Without you our blood is, dark blue! Oh Strider, we love you!"_

The now ex-music manager watched as the train disappeared into the distance, the screams slowly fading to silence. Terezi jogged up to him, looking confused. "We missed it? But it's 6:30! You told me…"

"Terezi, I have a surprise for you. Why go back to New Alternia when we have two tickets back to Land of Thought and Flow? I read in this morning's paper that they are looking for a legislator job, and a threshecutioner as well. AND, I hope you brought your documents, because they prefer both applicants to be married." Karkat beamed, as he got down on one knee and pulled out a silver ring with a ruby on it.

Terezi squealed as she wrapped her arms around her new fiancee. "Karkles!"

"Oh Terezi~! Do you know it's the most beautiful name in the world?"

* * *

><p><em>KARKAT: I was never crazy for highbloods,<em>

_Let's just say that those trolls left me livid;_

_I could watch them cull many lows_

_And all I'd feel was I wasted ten minutes!_

_Dark blues and purples, any blood you want,_

_All that they did was make me shrug or taunt;_

_But now I love each color that I see,_

_For a pretty teal blood loves me._

_Now my life is crazy, when I'm with Rezi,_

_With a girl like Rezi,_

_How could I be blue?_

_Flushed for her, says me_

_Me and little Rezi,_

_We will be so cozy_

_In a coon built for two._

_Oh! There's a movie quote that goes:_

_"Matespritships are rather quite messy"_

_Well no fucks from me,_

_Couldn't they see,_

_There's teal bloods cleaner than any that culls!_

_That's my Rezi,_

_I'm so glad she chose me;_

_Life is one sweet beautiful song to me._

_Now my life is crazy,_

_TEREZI: Oh, we'll be happy, I know_

_KARKAT: Since I found my Rezi,_

_TEREZI: Off to the preacher we'll go_

_KARKAT: With a troll like Rezi,_

_TEREZI: So how could we be blue?_

_KARKAT: How could I be blue?_

_TEREZI: Oh we'll have us a hive up there,_

_Oh, in outer space, that is where,_

_And ev'ry block, I get a good shock ..._

_KARKAT: But there's teal bloods cleaner than all of the rest!_

_Then that's my Rezi_

_TEREZI: I'm so glad you chose me!_

_BOTH: Life is one sweet beautiful song to me_

_When flush is right then_

_What could go wrong?_

_Life is one sweet beautiful song_

_To me!_

* * *

><p><span><em><strong>The End<strong>_

_**Cast in order of appearance**_

_**Karkat Vantas - Albert Peterson**_

_**Terezi Pyrope - Rose Alvarez**_

_**Aradia Megido - Ursula Merkel**_

_**Vriska Serket - Deborah Sue**_

_**Feferi Peixes - Penelope Ann**_

_**Calliope - Alice**_

_**Roxy Lalonde - Margie**_

_**Eridan Ampora - Harvey Johnson**_

_**Jade Harley - Kim McAfee**_

_**Jane Crocker - Doris McAfee**_

_**Jake English - Harry McAfee**_

_**John Egbert - Randolph McAfee**_

_**Kankri Vantas - Mae Peterson (Momma)**_

_**Dave Strider - Conrad Birdie**_

_**Tavros Nitram - Hugo Peabody**_

_**Nepeta Legion - Gloria Rasputin**_

_**Ancestors - Various parents**_

_**Other Characters - Various kids and adults**_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Bye Bye Birdie<em> is a stage musical with a book by Michael Stewart, lyrics by Lee Adams, and music by Charles Strouse. Homestuck is a webcomic by Andrew Hussie. I don't own either stories, characters, or songs. I just wrote the PARODY of the songs and dialogue.**

**I have to say, writing this was fun. **


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